Cruise Report: Sunny and Sexy

I know you’ve been anxiously awaiting our cruise report. It’s been delayed since we actually had to go back to work this past week—imagine. Also, I managed to contract my usual post-cruise cold. I was sure I was in the clear since I felt fine on Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday, but it caught up to me Wednesday night.

We had a wonderful time, had some pleasant adventures, met some very fine people, and came away winners in the casino. Next time we want to get off to a better start, so we will go to the departure port a day early. We tell ourselves that each time, but this time we really mean it. We were supposed to arrive in Miami by noon, but we didn’t get there until four hours later. When we stepped on the ship, they were calling us to muster (lifeboat drill) and we hadn’t even been to our cabin yet. Snowstorms in the northeast and thunderstorms in Florida conspired to keep us on the tarmac instead of in the air.

The first night at dinner is always interesting. Who will be at our table? Will they be nice, stuck up, quiet, talkative, overbearing, friendly, annoying? We were very lucky this trip as we had the best possible table. Here is the cast of characters: Mercy and Lola were sisters (50-60’s), Lola’s husband Allen (about 70, quiet)—this trio lived in California; Kim and Steve from Vancouver on their 25th anniversary trip (40’s-Kim was quiet but would chip in once in a while, Steve was funny and chatty); Fran and Mike from Maine, also in their 40’s. Fran was pretty and had a great laugh that she used frequently, Mike was a guy—needed to warm up a little, but was friendly and decent.

Mercy and Lola were originally from Ecuador, and they thought it was very cute when I would practice my Spanish on them. They loved Kathy and made her their adopted daughter for the duration. We had lots of laughs at the table and we all got along well. This was a good thing, since we kept running into each other all over the ship during the trip. “How are you dong? What are you doing? Are you going to the show?”

Fran was something of a gambling widow, as Mike could be found feeding quarters into the slots or that goofy machine that has moving shelves where coins and bills fall off the edge. Fran would sit outside the casino sipping her chocolate martini, and then go and brush her teeth, since the drink made her mouth feel fuzzy.

Kathy and I followed our rule in playing the slots: we each got ten dollars a day. When it was gone it was gone. If you doubled or money or better, you had to cash out and leave. We bet $250 during the trip and finished with $565. With one pull I won $124 on the next to last day. We had four of those buckets filled with quarters to cash in at the end of the trip.

We went to most of the shows and even stayed till the end of each of them. They had some terrific comedians that had us crying we were laughing so hard. Do you remember a classic comedian named Norm Crosby? He was famous for mangling vocabulary for hilarious results. He was there and it was wonderful to see someone so well known from my youth.

There was also a violinist who played all sorts of genres—something for everyone; as well as a dance troupe from Argentina. Mercy and Lola loved their tangos and the South American classic songs they did.

The weather was cloudier than I remember from last time, so while we did get some sun, we didn’t come back with fabulous tans. Every day was warm, in the 80’s, and that’s what we were after. I figured out that 54 times back and forth in the ship’s pool equaled a quarter mile, so I swam a quarter mile every day at sunrise.

This itinerary included Aruba, the Panama Canal, Costa Rica and Grand Cayman, with days at sea liberally sprinkled in. We didn’t do much in Aruba except go into town and have lunch at the same place where we had eaten six years ago. The Panama Canal was fun because we could relax and just enjoy it this time. Six years ago I was running all over trying to get photos of all the action. This time I believe I have better shots. The ship went through the eastern locks, floated around on Gatun Lake and then went back out to the Caribbean Sea.

We were a little tired of being on the ship, so I booked a rainforest tour in Costa Rica. Kathy wanted to see monkeys and I wanted to see poison frogs. Unfortunately, there were no simian sightings. Las ranas, however, were everywhere. The driver picked a couple of them up on leaves and patiently showed them to all of us. I got some great photos of them. At one point, the driver turned off the tractor that was pulling us along and we sat quietly in the rainforest. All at once we heard a terrifying sound emanating from somewhere in the woods. We thought a jaguar was about to leap out and eat us. Here it was a howler monkey. The guide must get a big kick out of tourists’ reactions. That monkey emits the most horrifying screech—I’ll be fine if I never hear it again.

We talked Mike and Fran from the dinner table into coming to Grand Cayman with us. We just went to the beach and hung out for a while. The deal included lunch, but the meal left a little to be desired—hamburgers on stale buns and small pieces of chicken that the cook seemed reluctant to serve. The day was bright and sunny, though, perfect for strolling in the sand.

We had a suite again this time, with a nice big balcony. The room was really made for parties, so we invited Lola and company up for a drink while we passed through the Panama Canal locks. All we had to eat were some pretzel sticks that Kathy had brought from home. Later I was horrified to discover they were stale. Mercy maintained they were delicious—a very gracious lady.

Kathy referred to our suite attendant as the “Room Nazi” (like the “Soup Nazi” of Seinfeld fame). Her name was Svetlana and she was from Romania. Every time we would ask her for something, like extra blankets, she would explain how hard it would be to do it. We could see her saying, “No blankets for you—three days!” She went about her work rather joylessly. We kind of felt sorry for her, as she explained that she had a daughter back in Romania. However, she has been doing this sort of work for six years. Hmmm. Hard to figure.

We had a concierge on this trip-first time we ever had that. Her name was Katherine. She was from Chile and planned to marry another crew member who was from Turkey. She was funny and friendly and helpful and beautiful. She helped us immediately when we had a problem, and we had a issue right away. You see, when we stepped onto the balcony for the first time, we heard a two year old next door singing at the top of his lungs on his balcony. I said, oh no, I didn’t spend all this money to listen to that. I marched right down to Katherine’s office and explained the situation to her. She said she would speak to the parents, and that was that. We didn’t hear a peep out of our neighbors for the rest of the trip.

I ordered the Romance Package for Kathy, to show her how much I appreciate all she did for me while I was incapacitated in February and March. So, there was a bottle of champagne waiting for us in our suite when we arrived. We also had chocolate covered strawberries and canapés delivered to our room later in the week. A huge breakfast was part of the deal, as well, so we ordered that on the next to last morning. Kathy loved the scrambled eggs, salmon and caviar, while the rolls and turnovers lasted me for two days. The final piece was a formal portrait of us in a silver frame. That turned out pretty well considering the subject matter.

We spent all day getting home on Monday, about fourteen hours. At these prices you would think you could get direct flights or shorter layovers. Next time I will do my own research on flights before the cruise, so I know what’s available. We were routed through Charlotte, and I know there was one flight to Cleveland that left an hour earlier than ours. The lines at the ticket counters were so long, though, that we just accepted our fate.

Kathy still has her heart set on Bora Bora, so we will figure a way to get there one day.

MAX NEWS: We missed our little guy, and came home with presents for him. We gave them to him bit by bit, beginning with crayons from Costa Rica, then a tee shirt with a monkey face on it. At this point, he said, “What else?” The final present was a puzzle box we knew he’d get a kick out of. The box was shaped like a monkey’s face. You have to take off the ears and slide another piece off to get to the treasure trove: a couple of Susan B. Anthony dollars. One day Shane gave him a timeout, and Max cried out, “Help, Kodiak! Help!” and the darned dog came upstairs to see what was going on. After another visit to the Natural History Museum and its earthquake exhibit, Max came home and said, “Dad, know what I’d do if I were in an earthquake?” Shane was expecting to hear some safety tips when suddenly Max shook himself from side to side. (Guess you had to be there.) He will be going to a private all day kindergarten next fall. He should love it.

It's good to be home.

Oh. The sexy part? Did you think I was going to tell you everything we did?